Goodbye, House.

For as long as I can remember, especially the last few years, I have spent so much time looking for a sign, for meaning, for good counsel, for deep understanding, and yet, as always and inevitably, end up sitting alone with my inner most thoughts swirling through my being, while the dimensions that transcend beyond me offer a comforting embrace. It is such a familiar and comforting place. It has been home, I suppose, the place I have always returned to - my mind, my broken and confused reality that has been a threat to my very existence- and I am not ready to become extinct.

Last week, I wanted to quit everything. I had a sense of urgency to vehemently scrape off my outer layers by any means necessary. I’ve been here before, and I have quit all the wrong things thinking they were the absolute most necessary. My goodness, have I been my own case of the blind leading the blind. The good problem this particular time is that I did not know what it was I needed to quit. I had some ideas, but I was desperate to phone a familiar soul. I reached out and the response was more  instantaneous than I could have/would have expected. Later than evening, I wanted reassurance, I think. So, I phoned a childhood soul; the conversation resonated with me and confirmed the steps I needed to begin taking to examine what I needed to re-evaluate.

I do not know where I am headed, and I don’t have a plan for once. Which has never mattered because my plans have always been diverted, anyhow (funny how we think we are ever in control). I have “gotten” a lot of what I wanted, and now, I am embarking on a journey to receive what I have always needed… or, rather what I need now and in the moving forward. I cannot think of a single thing I want other than world peace, of course (and perhaps that the Good Lord deals with those who need some dealing with… but Lord, your will be done, and forgive my in-depth imaginative thoughts.. whew.)

But tonight, as I dared to dip my soul into some renewed learning, I was met with the understanding that homes are not meant to be lived in, but only to be moved out from. I have no qualms about admitting my fear of leaving home for the unknown, but I can tell you that the sense of liberation that comes from surrendering to the next and final chapters—knowing, truly knowing, that it’s the right and only way to embrace the life that’s always been waiting for me and my kin—is undeniable.