We do not exist in the way we thought…

Last October while at a conference in Orlando, someone told me that I could be mad. “You can be mad, you can tell me that you are mad, and that’s ok.” I cannot remember what I replied to that, but I do know now, that the mad, angry, furious, and raging bull inside me was pawing, gearing up for the moment to charge.

A few nights ago, I asked my mom who would fight for me? She said she would but did not know how to. It’s a fair statement, I think. I told her that nobody would because I am the fighter everyone needs. In matters like this, nobody wants to pick a side. Your friends don’t want to get involved, your family wants to stay amicable, your acquaintances don’t understand you well enough to know how long you’ve been breathing under water, and God… He sees it all. I cannot tell you how many times I have been saved from drowning in my own tears.

For the record, I pick sides. Perhaps because I was rightfully deserted by people when I was in the wrong, like the wrong, wrong - and I can admit I deserved it. What I learned from those people is that loyalty truly is more valuable than gold.

So, back in Orlando, I read a passage in a book that shook me a bit. We do not exist in the way we thought. Roughly four months ago, I reached the end of my rope and the only way I knew I was going to survive this time was to pull the trigger on my ego. The death has been slow and agonizing, but no end has ever been more necessary that this one.